It is a myth that Hindus are in majority. It is an even bigger myth that Hindus are denigrating other religious sects…and an even bigger myth that Hindus get everything on a silver platter from the government.

But first let us identify who are really Hindus now, and who are not. Else it is very easy to lose sight of the big picture, and get lost in inane statistics and figures, which are readily available to all those who wish to make a counter argument. It is always easy to turn an argument in any direction you want by flashing statistics, authentic or not.

So, for once, my argument is not based on statistics, but on good old observation.

Not just anyone who carries a Hindu name can be called a Hindu. Not just anyone who declares themselves as Hindu can be called a Hindu. With this context, I’ll proceed to classify the so called “Hindus” into what they really are as of today, and what really makes a Hindu a Hindu. It is important for the last remaining Hindus to understand who they are, and to not get deceived by those who are not Hindus by their external trappings.

The Macaulay Hindu

Educated in a high class convent school. Does not know the spelling of dharma. Has no idea who was Shivaji Maharaj or what is Chhatrapati. Thinks Hanuman was a monkey. Believes that Ramayana and Mahabharat are fictional TV series that were once telecast on Doordarshan. Has no idea about the difference between Shiva, Vishnu, Ganesha or Muruga. Doesn’t know the difference between Narayan and Narayani. Cannot name one Hindu scripture. Cannot cite any mantra. Has visited some “silent retreats” like Vipassana because they are what you do now when your life is a blatant mess beyond your control. In reality, it has nothing to do with spirituality. It is just a holiday where you shut up, for a change. Thinks all “Babas” are fools and don’t have even primary education, and fool people. Has no moral compass, usually, salivates over capitalistic ideas.

Will be the first to hold placards “in shame” whenever any controversial news breaks out, accusing Hindu gurus, Gorakshaks, Hindu organizations and the likes.

Has no clue that Hinduism is the only religion that does not discriminate against LGBTQs. Blames Hinduism for every ill in the society – from broken roads to no rain.

The Happy Hindu

The type of Hindu who does not know, care about, value anything beyond “happiness.” Is easily sold on anyone with a beard selling happiness and a fake smile, telling you to “be kind.” Is conflict-averse. Will flee at the first sound of a war bugle. Does not have any stand. Will justify his/her laziness with “being kind and having a smile.” Does not know about dharma or Moksha, does not care either. Is happy to just donate a few pennies in anna daan or clothes to calamity struck people. Cares about the poor. Does not care about his/her own poor soul. Quite, quite deluded about ideas of right and wrong. Thinks laziness and spinelessness are the highest virtues knows to humanity. As ignorant as The Macaulay Hindu.

The Confused Hindu

Easily impressed with titles, status, and fan following. Easily confused by media statements, political waves on all core Hindu issues. Keeps changing his or her stand every few seasons, without any reason. Often has a self-serving agenda, without openly acknowledging it or even being aware of it.

Does not know what Hinduism says on any matter, whatsoever. Believes anyone who has a strong facade of being a jnani.

The Atheist Hindu

Is so ignorant about Hinduism, that does not understand that Hinduism and atheism are mutually exclusive. But still wants to use the “Hindu” tag to comment on Hinduism, profess knowledge of Hinduism, and sway other Hindus, spread misinformation about Hinduism. Is usually highly arrogant and full of him/herself. Shuns anyone who questions their belief. Because atheism IS a belief system. Tries to look intellectual, but usually cannot do beyond sharing “insightful” articles from “high profile” news sites. Does not really understand even economics or physics. Intellect is limited to action and reaction. Where reaction is reacting to posts on Facebook.

The Spiritual & Irreligious Hindu

The “spiritual but not religious” Hindu. Claim to be Hindu, but pucker up their nose at sitting on the ground or going to temples and has no idea how to hold a puja diya. Does not understand the difference between a ghee ka diya and a church candle. Is “to each his own” type who “loves all and respects all” people of other religions – even if they want to kill you. Thinks he/she is politically aware, has severe criticism on political matters, yet has no sense of where Hindu rights stand in the Indian constitution. Has no idea of the atrocities on Hindus. Is drugged by the media mafia. Loves reading all glossy magazines and HBRs, without any remote idea of the crores of Hindu scriptures which can give better solutions. Thinks Ayurveda is like an alternate medicine of quacks. Probably has several health conditions by the time in 40s.

Is highly hateful of all “Hindutva” people, all Hindu festivals, all Hindu traditions. Has an elitist view of all core Hindu practices, and is condescending to those who practice it. Thinks the best way to project their intellect is by criticizing the authenticity of Hindu history. Upholds the Aryan Invasion Theory. Because cannot be bothered to apply any science to it.

The Influential Hindu

Thinks looking influential & being in fashion is Hinduism. Has traded  brains and knowledge for being “fashionable” and “influential” on social media. Is only concerned about garnering a fan following and making high flung statements. Does not care about putting in the work. Has contributed a big fat zero to Hinduism beyond giving “statements.” But thinks and declares himself/herself to be a big Hindu activist. Cannot read Sanskrit. Does not know anything about any Hindu scripture. Copies content from other knowledgeable Hindus and declares it to be his/her own unabashedly. 

When quizzed or debated with on verses of Upanishads, Manu Smriti, Vedas, has no real come back beyond personal insults. Yet, goes around declaring him/herself to be a “jnani.”

The Nouveau Hindu

Till a few weeks ago, had no idea what is Hinduism. Has recently started taking an interest in Hinduism. Is marginally better than the Macaulay Hindu, because has begun to realize that life is way bigger a deal than they thought, and Hinduism has some answers his/her psychiatrist could not give. Perchance, some Guru healed him/her of a chronic disease, and so is now opening his/her mind to the virtues of Hinduism. But still scores zero on Hindu history, Vedic mantras, scriptures, values. Has a long way to go. Does not have any yardstick yet to decide what is dharmic and adharmic.

The Nationalist Hindu

Mixes Nationalism with Hinduism, all the time. Equates one with the other. Does not understand anything beyond geography and demography. Has no concern for Hindus across the world. Is as ignorant and arrogant as the Influential Hindu. Is as inactive and lazy as the Happy Hindu.

Loves going to rallies, public functions, giving speeches, earning awards, rewriting media reports on twitter, giving slogans about “Bharat Maata ki Jai”. Cares about Hinduism, but when choosing between Nationalism and Hinduism, chooses Nationalism. Does not have the spine to take a stand for Hinduism in controversial issues. Has a facade of being pro-Hindu on all minor issues.

The Right Wing Hindu

Is only right-wing, incidentally also declared Hindu. Will fight tooth and nail to prove that the Right wing government is doing everything and Hindus are foolish to point out how that is not true. Confuses and equates loyalty to BJP with loyalty to Dharma and Moksha.

His/her worldview of life itself is hinged on the belief that only and only BJP can save Hindus. Has no sense of what is dharma and the relationship with politics and dharma. Accuses anyone who disagrees with him/her as being anti-Hindu or even leftist. Has no idea of ground reality, or refuses to see it when it comes up.

The Non-Mainstream Hindu

The Hindu who has been alienated from mainstream Hinduism by castiest agendas of British, vote bank politics, arrogant castiest Hindus, and those who fail to accept SC/STs, Jainism, Sikhism and Buddhism as a part of mainstream Hinduism. This Hindu is as much a Hindu as any of the others, and could belong to any other category. Only that s/he doesn’t, because is not given the status of being a Hindu politically and societally.

The Anti-Hindu Hindu

Are not really Hindus in any sense. Only use Hindu names, and constantly pour vitriolic content defaming, degrading Hinduism, misinforming the masses. They try to incite and encourage Hindus to do the same, trying to look like how it is “Cool” to criticize and find faults with your own religion. Trying to take advantage of the freedom of speech to ridicule Hinduism. Many of them are paid by the Vatican or Islamists to the dirty job of painting a sick picture of Hinduism to masses, so they lose pride and respect in their own religion. It is more believable when coming from a Hindu face. Hence, the Hindu name.

Hindus are a minority. Because there are crores who carry Hindu names, but a handful who carry Hinduism in their hearts, who are ready to fight for Hinduism, who cherish the importance of Hinduism, who love Hinduism, and who are willing to stake their reputation to uphold the knowledge and values of a religion which is now on its last legs. Counting heads was never a Hindu thought current. Only the transformation in the being was a parameter of judging who is dharmic and deserving of the culture. When a civilization is in utter chaos and turmoil, and in that turmoil loses sight of what is crucial for its survival, it falls. Hindus are that civilization today.

Cover Picture via Flickr

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Last modified: July 5, 2021